Classic Affairs

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.He put on his shoes and drove home.'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' 'You lying bastard!You've been playing golf!'

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, 'There 's no way I can be the f ather of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'Not this time!'

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?!?!'

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'Stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' ' What's this?' the husban d inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh, it's a statue.' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.'No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, 'Have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?''A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' The bartender replied, 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.He looked up and said weakly, 'I have something I must confess.' 'There's no need to,' his wife replied. 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!''I know, I know,' sh e replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Banta Singh's Computer

Letter is from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some Problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

6. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is noteven a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only..

9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God 's sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards, Banta

Last one from me to Mr Bill Gates : Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS

Adam, Eve and God's Decision

Women & Math

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her crap, you will receive a bucket full of shit !

God's Wife

An eye witness account from New York City, on a cold day in December, some years ago:

A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.
A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'
'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,' was the boy's reply. The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel. By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes. She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.' As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her, 'Are you God's wife?'

The Silver Lining

Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement. 'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me.....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'

Never Be Discouraged

On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was. 'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered with a smile. 'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you don't look very discouraged.' 'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face... 'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet.'

A Child's Understanding

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted. A little girl said, 'I know all about adoption, I was adopted..' 'What does it mean to be adopted?' asked another child. 'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'

Soul Mate

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was: A four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'

Why Are Ladies Still Single ?

1. The nice men are ugly
2. The handsome men are not nice
3. The handsome and nice men are gay
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have NO money
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think ladies are only after their money
7. The handsome men without money are after OUR money
8. The handsome men who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual don't think we are beautiful enough
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have money and thank GOD are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE !!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW WHO THE HELL UNDERSTAND MEN !!!

"Men are like fine wine. They'll start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."

Claiming Fuel Rebate

You no longer need to queue at the post offices to claim your fuel rebates. Just log in at https://www.posonline.com.my

Don't forget to register !

If you request for the rebate to be credited to your bank account, it only takes 2-3 working days and 7 working days is you request for money order.

It's convenient, simple and fast !

Installing a Husband !

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program . These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!